DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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