So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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