My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
