i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
