I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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