suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
