Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
