I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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