..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
