Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
