Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
