Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
