Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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