god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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