He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
