i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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