If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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