Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
