I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
