Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
