I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
