I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
