My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
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Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
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You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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