I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
