im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
