and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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