My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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