have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
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