Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
