My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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