exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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