I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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