i used baking grease as lip gloss
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
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