It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
