my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
