The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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