party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
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There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
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That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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