I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
