i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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