we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
