I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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