My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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