Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
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I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
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My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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