your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
