ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize