Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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