Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
