I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Still dying that you shit outside
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
