I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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