if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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