I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
