Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
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I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
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Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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