smell my finger.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
