walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
When are your genitals available?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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