Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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