Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
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we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
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DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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