Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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